



A Rural Comedy Drama 



in One Act 



THE JONESVILLE 
GRANGE INITIATION 



By Harry M. Doty 



Chatham, N. Y. 



Price Fifteen Cents 



•<o>< 



(O)-. 



"The Jonesville Grange 
Initiation' 



A Rural Play in One Act by 
Harry M. Doty 



Author of "In Old New England" "Sacketts Corner Folks," 

"Spriggins' 'Quiet 5 Afternoon", "The Jonesville Sewing 
iL&i I Circle", "The Jonesville Experience Meeting," 
"The Jonesville Board of Assessors?' 



Amateur Production Free. 



HARRY M. DOTY, Publisher, Chatham, N. Y. ^ 

PRICE 15 CENTS. 



Copyright 1917 
Harry M. Doty, Chatham, N. Y. 1 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Master 
; Secretary ^; 

; Steward | 

*, Overseer [ 

j Lecturer 
J Chaplain « 



Grange Officers. 



* Mrs. Black 

i Miss Johnson 

T Mr. Brown 

\ Mr. Jones 



Candidates 



# 



NOV -I 1917 © aD 48448 



"The Jonesville Grange Initiation* 



• 



It is suggested that this burlesque initiation will be more 
effective if those who participate are other than the regular 
grange officers. — Author. 



This burlesque is intended to be presented in the 
grange meeting room rather than on a stage, although 
it may be presented there if desired. Comparatively- 
little equipment is necessary. Grangers will observe 
that no attempt has been made to adhere to grange 
initiation formalities . This deviation was purpose 1 / 
made for obvious reasons. 



Master — (Striking pedestal with gavel). The grange will 
come to order. The choir will sing the first and last stanzas 
of the opening ode. (The choir — a few members who volunteer 
— sing the ode off key and in uneven time.) 

Master — The secretary will please read the minutes of the 
last meeting. 

Secretary — (Reads). Regular meetm' of Jonesville grange 
was held two weeks ago tonight. Some of the members and most 
of the officers was here. The members as is farmers wanted 
(the grange to arrange for co-operative buyin' so they could git 
a discount from the business men. All the farmers favored it. 
Ebeneezer Hellwig, representin' the business men, said he had 
seen all the other business men that day and they favored the 
co-operative buyin' idee because it would mean spot cash fer 
everything the co-operators bought. Sol. Bemiss, representin* 
the farmers, said he hadn't understood it that way and if that 
was the case, he didn't know whether he wanted to be a co-op- 
erator or not. Then Ebeneezer said the business men had also 
formed a co-operative buyin' association and was goin' to ap- 
point one man to do the buyin' for all the stores and that every 






4 THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 

farmer granger who got a discount on anything he bought, 
would also be expected to give the co-operative storekeepers, a 
discount on everything he sells them, spot cash to be paid by 
both the co-operative farmers and the co-operative storekeep- 
ers wherever a deal was made. Sol Beemiss said he wan't in 
for no such arrangement as that and the other farmers said 
they wan't nuther, so it was voted to indefinitely postpone the 
co-operative plan. Sol said the storekeepers wasa tryin' to 
put suthin' over on the farmers and Ebeneezer said 'twant so 
'but that what was sass for the goose was just as much sass for 
the gobbler. 

Application of Susie Loucks fer a discount on dues be- 
cause she paid in advance was referred to the committee on 
}aw and order. 

Susan Brundidge, committee on visitin' the sick, reported 
that there wan't nothin' special exceptin' that Aunt Sally Trot- 
ter is enjoyin' her usual poor health. 

Twenty-five members was reported in arrears for dues. 

Usual ceremonies was gone through with and the meetin' 
closed as it usually does. ' Ephraim Kendall, Secretary. 

Master — Them's the minutes of the last meetin'. If iheve 
ain't nothin' the matter with 'em, they'll stand as they be. 
(Pauses). Not hearin' no objection, they're ordered to stand. 
"Unless there's some business of a pressin' nature, I'll waive the 
usual ceremonies, committee reports and so forth because I'm 
told that a party of pilgrims is out by the farm yard gate and 
that they want to get in. The steward will kindly go out and 
see if there's any truth in the story and make a report . 

(Exit steward who immediately returns.) 

Steward — There wan't nobody stringin' you . Four of 'em's 
out there, askin' admission at the barnyard gate. 

Master — Farmyard gate, not barnyard. 

Steward — Farmyard, yes, that's right. I beg your pardon. 
That's what I git by tryin' to take my part without the book. 

Master— The steward will repair to the ante room, ask the 
usual questions and collect the fees. Impress on 'em that this 



THE JONBSVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 5 

is a place where we've got to have the pay on the dot. It's -spot 
cash, real money. No credit and no hay, potatoes or turnips in 
place of currency. 

(Exit Steward.) 

Master — Now remember, brothers and sisters, what's absufc 
to happen is goin' to be a solemn time in the lives of these can- 
die ates. No giggles and no chuckles while they're bein' pu* 
through the initiation ceremonies. 

(Enter Steward.) 

Steward — Worthy Master, one of them wimmen candidates 
won't tell her age. When I told her she couldn't join without 
teJiin' how old she is, she put down "over twenty-one." Will 
that go? 

Master — 'Tain't jest reg'lar but as I don't remember seeis? 
anything against it in the statoots, I guess we'll let it go .If 
everything's ready, the steward will conduct the candidates into 
the sanctum. 

Steward — Your order will be obeyed, Worthy Master . 

(Steward exits and returns at the head of the line of 

candidates. The latter are blindfolded. They should be 

attired as grotesquely as possible in order to lend 

additional humor tor the burlesque.) 

Steward — (After candidates are arranged in line in fwmt 
of the Master.) Worthy Master, here we've got four pilgrims 
who are groping in the darkness and who want you to show 'em 
the way to the fertile lands where the sun is shinnin', grain a 
wavin' and flowers growin'. 

■Master — We're always glad to show a stranger the road 
but before proceedin' on your way it will be necessary for yoa 
to divest yourself of all superfluities. One of the tenets of our 
order is that one and all, when seekin' admission to our circle^ 
must rid himself or herself of everything artificial, therefore it's 
my order that whatever there is on you or about you that Na- 
ture didn't intend should be there, shall be removed and placed 
on this pedestal. 

Mrs. Black — Well, I guess not. Of all the foolishness I ever 
heard of, this is the worst. 



6 THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 

Miss Johnson — Here is where I rebel. I go no further. 
You would have never got me into this place if I had supposed I 
was goin' to be insulted this way. 

Master — For your information I will say that you have 
started on the same path that was trod by each and every 
member of this grange and nothing will be required of you that 
was not required of them. 

Mrs. Black — If that's the case, I guess I can stand it if 
they did. 

Miss Johnson — I suppose I can, too, but I don't see what 
it's all for. 

Blaster — It is because all must enter here for exactly what 
they are, not for what they want folks to think they are. If 
any of you ain't got the spunk to go on, the steward will lead 
you back outside the gate and you'll never see the glorious 
(things we've rot to show you. What have you got to say ? 

All candidates — We wish to go on. 

Master — That's the way to talk. The steward will now let 
you see things. (Steward removes blindfolds.) 

Master — Now if any of you possess superfluities, kindly de- 
posit them here (indicating pedestal). 

Mrs -Black — Very well. Here goes (Apparently takes a set 
of false teeth from her mouth and places them on the pedestal) 
That's all I've got that ain't a part of me. 

Miss Johnson — (Takes hair switch or "frizzes" from head 
and places on pedestal). I do this knowin' as I look around this 
room that plenty of other false hair has been laid on this here 
thing (indicating pedestal). 

Jones — I'll have, to have a chair before I can remove what's 
artificial about me. (Steward provides chair and Jones sits 
and grasps one foot). 

Master — Mister Jones, what are you plannin' to do? 

Jones — Unscrew this cork leg. 

Master — Whoa! Wait a minute. Yours is rather an un- 
usual case. ((Scratches head and pauses as if to think). Mr. 
Brown, permit me to inquire what you're goin' to deposit if 
anything. 




THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 7 

Brown— I'll have to take out my glass eye, I suppose, but 
I ain't goin' to take off this here wig (points to head) and 
catch the pneumony. I won't do that for nobody. 

Master — Brothers and sisters, the conditions here this even- 
ing seem to be without precedent and so far as I know there 
ain't no instructions in the statoots fer dealing with incidents 
of this kind . It ain't possible to wait for opinions or instruc- 
tions from the state or national granges, therefore I'm goin' 
to take on myself the responsibility of settlin' this matter. It's 
my order that this evening the mere admission of the existence 
of these superfluities will be deemed sufficient. All of you can 
pat back on what you took off. (Candidates replace teeth, etc.) 
Now the steward will conduct you to the lecturer for further 
information. 

('Steward conducts candidates to lecturer.) 

Lecturer — You can't go any further until you tell us some- 
thing of your past lives. 

Miss Johnson — Land sakes, another insult. I guess I'm as 
good as anyone I see settin' around here. 

Mrs. Black — (Course we be. From that talk anyone would 
think we was highway robbers or something worse. 

Brown — If we've got to make confessions, I'll own up I 
once stole a pumpkin when I was a kid. 

Lecturer — The candidates will please restrain themselves. 
All these questions are necessary as will develop later. Now, 
OVIr. Jones, when you sell a barrel of apples, do you place 
large ones on the top and bottom and windfalls in the middle? 

Jones — No, not as a rule. 

Lecturer — Mr. Brown, have you ever sold anyone any froz- 
en turnips or potatoes ? 

Brown — No, leastwise not froze enough to hurt 'em any if 
they ain't kept too long. 

Lecturer — You will now be conducted to the overseer for 
further investigation. (Steward conducts candidates to over- 
seer.) 



8 THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 

Overseer — !Mr. Jones, when pressing hay do you sweep the 
hayseed from the barn floor and put it in the center of a few- 
bales? Remember, now, nothing but the truth in your an- 
swers. 

Jones— No sir, at any rate not in any that's goin' to be 
sold near home. 

Overseer — iMr. Brown, do you ever hold eggs when the 
price is low and sell them as fresh when the price increases? 

Brown — Why — well — you see — No, I don't remember but I 
guess not, only to them travelin' fellers what come through 
with wagons and is always beatin' you down on price. 

Overseer — Mr. Jones, did you ever go to a store, buy^Jtub 
butter, take it home, work it over, add a little of your own 
and sell it all as nice, fresh farmers' butter? 

Jones — Now, say, that ain't a fair question. 

Overseer — It's one everybody here has had to answer. 

Jones — Well, no, I hain't, anyway not since I joined the 
meetin' house. 

Overseer — .(Mr. Brown, did you ever sell a man, over the 
telephone, first-class timothy hay and then deliver to him 
rowan or a mixture of clover, daises and weeds? 

Brown — Who told you that? I wan't to blame fer it. 
The hired man done it. 

Overseer — (No one has told me anything. That's one of 
the questions in the ritual. 

Brown — I thought Sam Jenkins had been tellin' you 
somethin'. 

Overseer — Did you discharge the hired man for that act 
of dishonesty? 

Brown— No, I didn't, but I told him to try not to let it 

happen again. 

Overseer— >Mr. Jones, did you ever sell a man a load of 
rock oak and hickory wood and then deliver to him apple tree, 
pine and willow? 



THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 9 

Jones— No, there wan't no willow in it. I ain't got none 
of that kind of wood on my place. 

Overseer — The steward will now conduct you to the chap- 
lain for further instruction. (Steward conducts candidates as 
directed. ) 

Chap Mr. E>rcwn, have you ever worked land on shares ? 

Brown — Yes. 

Chap.— Have you always seen to it that the other fellow 
received the same as you did both as to quantity and quality 
when the crop was divided ? 

Brown — Yes, he was always there when the dividin' was 
done. 

Chap — Mr. Jones, do you pay your bills regularly and 
promptly ? 

Jones — Tolerably so when I have the money. 

Chap. — Never let your bills run with your storekeeper 
and then complain when some fellow don't pay what he owes 
you ? 

Jones — No, that is, I haven't made a practice cf it. 

Chap — Ycu will now proceed to the Worthy Master Who 
also wishes information. 

Mrs. Black^For mercey sakes, what is this, a six-day 
-walking match? 

(iSteward conducts candidates to Worthy Master) 

Master — -Mrs. Black, when getting eggs ready for the 
market, have you ever picked out the large ones for your own 
use and sold the small ones? 

Mrs. Black — No sir, not since we have kept one kind of 
liens. Their eggs are all the same size. 

Master— Miss Johnson, when sellin' dressed chicken, did 
you ever force buckshot into their crops to increase the 
•weight 7 

Miss Johnson — No sir, shot is too expensive. 






10 THE JONE'SVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 



Master — !Mrs. Black, have you ever sold horseradish ? 

Mrs. Black — Yes, sir. 

Master — Did you ever mix turnip with it? 

Mrs. Black — Not lately. Turnips are worth more than 
the horse radish. 

Master — iMiss Johnson, have you ever oeen chairman of a 
committee to provide food for a church supper? 

Miss Johnson — Yes, sir. 

Master — Did you ever furnish the cheaper foods yourself 
and ask the others to provide the more expensive ones? 

Miss Johnson — I'll bet 'Susie Hastings told you that. 

Master — No, she did not. It is one of our regular ques- 
tions. 

Miss Johnson — I don't care to answer it. It's too ridicu- 
lous. 

Master — Very well, we will not insist, but will draw our own 
conclusions. The steward will now conduct the candidates te 
the lecturer for further questioning. 

Mrs. Black — For land sakes, have we got to turn our past 
lives wrong side out? 

Miss- Johnson — I should say so. I don't like this a bit. 

Master — The candidates will please refrain from making- 
comments. 

(Steward conducts candidates to lecturer) 

Lee — My friends, it will be impossible for you to proceed 
further on your journey unless you are able to satisfy this 
grange that you are truly versed in the ways of agriculture 
or that you are competent housewives. Mr. Jones, have you 
ever grown a crop that excelled that of your neighbors. 

Jones — Well, now, let me think. Yes, I believe I did* 
once. 

Lee. — What was it? 



THE JONESVIiLLE GRANGE INITIATION 11 

Jones— I mixed up a little f retilizer of my own and tried it 
en some land where I planted watermelons. I put in the seed and 
the vines come up in no time. I didn't 'get no crop of melons 
but it showed me that the fertilizer, with a little toning 
down, was all right. 

Lee. — Why didn't you get a crop of melons? 

Jones — Because the vines grew so fast that they went all 
over the farm dragging the melons with 'em. The friction, 
was so great that it converted the water in the melons into 
steam and they blew up. 

Lee. — Nothing melon-choly about that tale, Mr. Jones. 
Mr. Brown, have you ever had a similar experience? 

Brown — No, not exactly, but it reminds me of some pump- 
kins I once had. 

Lee. — Tell us about it. On your experience may depend 
your admission to our order. 

Brown — For several years I didn't get a pumpkin although 
I put in plenty of seed therefore the next ye^.r I made up my. 
mind I'd try a different location so I planted 'em on the most 
fertile spot I had on the farm. The seed sprouted first rate 
and it wan't hardly no time before I saw I was goin' to have 
a big crop. "Never saw vines 'grow as fast as them did. One 
day the hired man went down to that field with me to see 'em. 
He hadn't no more'n jumped down off the fence into the field 
before a pumpkin vine twined itself around his leg and it drag- 
ged him nearly three miles before he could git out his jack- 
knife and cut himself loose. 

Lect.- — Enough, 'Mr. Brown, your ability as an agriculturist 
is established. Mrs. Black, what have you to say as to your 
ability to accomplish things by improved methods ? 

Mrs. Black — I can't match them two experiences, but I'm 
doin' the washin' every Monday forenoon so easy that I don't 
dread it no more. 

Lee. — Tell us about it. 

Mrs. Black — I just took a stick, fastened one end to the 



12 THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 

■back of a rocking chair and the other end to the handle of the 
washing machine, set down in that chair and rock while I'm 
peelin' potatoes for dinner. When I git 'em peeled, the wasn- 
'in's don'?. All I've got to do is to rinse the clothes and hang 
'em out to dry. 

Lee. — Now Miss Johnson, what have you done for the 
benefit "f womankind? 

Miss Johnson — I've a few labor saving inventions in .T.y 
kitchen, but they don't amount to much alongside o' what I've 
done in the garden. For several years I've noticed how much 
milk was used every summer when we had strawberries and 
cream and I made up my mind I could bring about a saving, 
because milk is milk nowadays. I didn't isay nothin' to nobody 
about it, but grafted a few strawberry plants onto some 
nulkwecd and I've got a combination that grows strawberries 
and ci earn. 

Lee. — You have all demonstrated your capabilities along ag„ 
Ticultural and domestic lines and if there are no objections on 
the part of the members present, I will direct that you be con- 
ducted to the Worthy Master for instruction in the signs of 
recognition, grip, passwords, etc. (Pause.) Hearing no ob- 
jections, it is so ordered. 

OSteward conducts candidates to Worthy iMaster) 

W. M. — You are well on your way to grange membership 
and I will now instruct you in the signs, grips, etc. When you 
meet another person and wish to know whether he or she is a 
granger, you advance with both arms extended and, in solemn 
tones, repeat these words: "Frost is on the fodder, pumpkin's 
in the shock." If the person so addressed is a granger he or 
she will respond by saying; "Locked in the stable with the 
isheep." 

Jones — Suppose he or she ain't no granger, what then? 

W .M. — If it's a man, he'll probably say things I wouldn't 
want to repeat here. 

W.M. — The grip of a granger is as follows: 'Little fingers 
linked and thumb tips pressed together. If, after you have 



THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 13 

given these tests there remains in your mind any doubt as to 
the person being a granger, ask that he or she give the grang- 
ers' rhyme. A real granger will answer: 

(Mary's little lamb's 

A good thing to have around 
With wool at the war-time price 

Of eighty cents a pound. 

The annual password, which never changes, is "Alfalfa" 
this word must never be spoken louder than in the key of F. 
The quarterly password is one of which a quarter is used 
every three months. This word is "Ru-ta-ba-ga" — Rutabaga.: 

When a grange is in session and you want to get in, go to 
the outside door of the ante-room. In a corner you will find a 
flail. With this give seven distinct raps on the floor. If the 
gatekeeper hears you, you will be admitted to the ante roonu 
If he don't hear you, repeat the raps until the door is opened. 
Never, however, make the mistake Hen Jenks made over to 
Hardscrable. He went to the ante-room door, took the flail and 
gave the seven raps on the floor. The door didn't open and 
he repeated the raps thirty-seven times when he happened to 
think it was Tuesday night and the grange meets (Mondays. 

When you get in the ante room, proceed to the door of the 
meeting room and rap once thereon. The doorkeeper will open 
the door but before admission is granted, the one seeking it 
must, if a lady, sign one stanza of "Hark! From the tomb a 
doleful sound" or, if a man, he must whistle two verses of 
"The Old Oaken Bucket, Long May She Wave." On entering 
the meeting room, the member will salute the Worthy Master 
by clapping his or her hands four times. The Worthy Master 
will ascertain if the member's dues are paid for the current 
quarter. If so, he or she will be invited to be seated among 
the brethren and sisters. If not, the member will be required 
to stand throughout the evening. 

Now, my friends, you are well along toward the end of 
your journey, but there is one more demonstration we must re- 
quire of you. It will be necessary foi you to show this grange 



14 THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 

just how you do your work. 'Mr. Jones, you can saw wood, I 
presume. 

Jones — Yes, sir. 

W. M. — A demonstration, please. The steward will kind- 
ly provide the utensils. 

(Steward brings sawbuck, saw and stick of wood and 
hands saw to Jones, who saws off the stick more or less awk- 
wardly.) 

W. M. — That will do, Mr. Jones. You have demonstrated 
that you know how such work is done although your manner 
of doing it leads me to believe that the hired man dulls more 
saws than you do. Mr. Brown, every good farmer knows how 
to whet a scythe. Is that included in your accomplishments ? 

Brown — It is, sir. 

W. M — Very well, a demonstration please. 

(Steward removes sawbuck, etc. and brings scythe and 
whetstone. Brown whets scythe, makes believe pull a hair 
from his head and cut it in two on the edge of the scythe.) 

W. M. — Enough, -Mr. Brown, that is certainly some edge. 
IMiss Johnson, can you peel potatoes? 

Miss Johnson — Well, I should hope so. 

W. M. — That being the case,I will ask you to give a dem- 
onstration. 

(Steward brings potato and paring knife. IMiss Johnson 
peels potato and holds it up to the view of the W. !M. She has 
peeled so deep that -there is little left of the potato.) 

W. M;. — You seem to have the right action, but hardly the 
proper technique in these times of food conservation. I sug- 
gest that hereafter you do not go so deep into your subject. 
IMrs. Black, can you sweep a floor? 

Mrs. Black—To be sure I can. 

W. M — Kindly convince the grangers of your ability along 
that line. 



THE JONESVILLE GRANGE INITIATION 15 

(Steward brings broom which he hands to Mrs. Black, who 
sweeps vigorously.) 

W. M.— Enough. It is evident there is no needof vacuum 
cleaners in your home. (To grange) I now declare these per- 
sons duly accredited grangers, »en titled to all the rights, priv- 
ileges, trials, troubles, tribulations and perquisities of this or- 
der. 'The steward will conduct them to seats, there to hold 
themselves in readiness to rise at five taps of the mallet and 
proclaim to the assembled grangers that they are part of our 
•organization. 

(Steward blindfolds candidates and conducts them to chairs 
in which sticky fly paper has been placed — candidates wearing 
clothes it will not harm — and, as they rise at five taps of the 
gavel, the audience sees printed in black letters on the reverse 
side of each isheet the words "I am a granger." If the use of 
fly paper is objectionable, the steward may attach to the 
clothing of each candidate, a placard bearing the words. This 
may be attached with a pin pushed through the placard and 
T>ent in the shape of a hook.) 

(Note — If it is desired to lengthen the initiation, this may 
be done by requiring additional demonstrations by the candi- 
dates, for instance the ladies may be required to scrub floors, 
wash clothes in a tub, etc. There are comedy possibilities in 
Tequiring them to peel onions or grate horseradish. In the 
two latter instances there should be plenty of real or imaginary 
tears. The men may be required to grease a pair of boots, 
mend a piece of harness, shell or husk corn, etc. iMany other 
amusing "stunts" will suggest themselves to grangers, who 
present this burlesque.) 



. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

illilllllllllliilflilllll! 

018 602 845 4 



Flst^s To3r Harry 2vZ. IDot-yz 
In Old New England 

Four-act rural comedy. A clean, pure and wholesome play. 
Now in its fourth edition. 25 cents a copy. 

Sacketts' Corner Folks 

Four-act rural comedy. Similar to "In Old New England" 

Adapted to small stages. Simple scenery 25 cents a copy. 

ONE- ACT HUMOROUS PLAYS 

Spriggins' ' 'Quiet' > Afternoon 

It turned out to be anything but quiet. 15 cents a copy. 

The Jonesville Sewing Circle 

They did some sewing but not much. 15 cents a copy. 

The Jonesville Grange Initiation 

A burlesque. No horse play. Buy this, sure. 15 cents a copy. 

The Jonesville Board of Assessors 



It tells some things you've suspected. 



15 cents a copy 



The Jonesville Experience Meeting 



How the ladies earned their dollars. 



15 cents a copy 



HUMOROUS RECITATIONS 

"Nothing Serious" 

Compiled by H. M. Doty. A book of carefully selected hu- 
morous readings and recitations. This book will be found 
very valuable by those who wish to provide entertainment in 
connection with regular meetings of granges or other organi- 
zations. The selections are new, appropriate and up-to-date. 
Price 25 cents a copy. 

Send all orders to 

HARRY M. DOTY, 
Chatham, N. Y. 



